The Flargipades
A fictional correspondance between my brother and myself.
Dear Kyle,
This is your uncle Flargus. I hope you don’t mind that I am coming down to visit and eat all of your food. There is a carnival in town and I would like to attend. Please order a ticket for me. The tickets cost $75, I will be happy to pay for a quarter of it. Maybe after I see the carnival, you can pick me up and I can sleep at your house, but not before bringing me to dinner! When I take all of your money I will then leave.
Yours Truly,
Uncle Flargus
Dear Mark,
My dearest, dearest brother Mark. I have the greatest news! Our uncle Flargus is coming into town!! Wouldn’t you believe it? I would greatly enjoy it if I could share our favorite uncle Flargus with you, too. I wouldn’t want to keep him all for myself. Would you like to have the opportunity to see our most favorite, lovable uncle as well? I’ll tell you when he comes to town. He’ll be at a carnival, you may as well pick him up there. Before you go, make sure you bring enough money to feed him dinner. Again, you are my favoritest brother. I would not want you to go without seeing our most favorite uncle Flargus.
Your loving brother,
Kyle
Dear Uncle Flargus,
Kyle has planned a most wonderful day for all of us! But I am sorry to say that I have moved out of the country into Sweden and the country has now closed its borders. I hope you and Kyle have a wonderful time! I am very disappointed that we can’t see each other after all of these years! By the way, Kyle will be most disappointed if you do not bring little cousin Flargy over to his house. Kyle loves Flargy and has bought many presents for him. Kyle also told me that he has purchased 3 tickets and does not need to be paid back. But the best part is that you can all stay for a week! Hope you three have a splendiferous time!
Regards,
Mark
Dear Uncle Flargus,
I have just received the most terrible news: our dearest brother Mark has just come down with the most terrible illness. The doctors have told me that he only has a few weeks remaining in his most precious life. I hope you understand, then, why I must cancel your most-expected trip and go visit him in his new Swedish abode (he did not want to tell you his purposes for his change in residence, there is a most-wonderful health spa in which he is spending the final days of his life). I did purchase three tickets for each of us to go and visit him. Due to the nature of the visit, do not in any way reference his illness, for we want to make this as happy an occasion as possible for our dearest, dearest brother Mark. Also sadly, my sister is very ill at the moment, so I will first be visiting her as you spend time with our much-beloved relative Mark. Enclosed you will find the tickets I have purchased for the occasion. I do not expect to be paid back, Mark needs us. Please do not try not to accept the invitation.
With much love,
Kyle
Dear Uncle Flargus,
I’m most terribly sorry, but I have just recently died. Don’t bother coming to visit me for I fell off a cliff in a Swedish-spa related fall. I’m sorry for any inconveniences but don’t even bother coming to visit again because my body has not been identified. The funeral is taking place at our sister’s house where Kyle is. Tell Kyle that I will visit him sometime when he least expects. I hope that this doesn’t ruin any plans that you had when trying to visit me, but I’m dead and can not be visited. Please spend as much time as you can with Kyle in remembrance of me!
With Ghostliness,
Mark
Dear Mark,
I just heard about your recent death—please accept my condolances and gift of chocolate. You were always an appreciated member of the family, and you will be sorely missed. Sadly, you weren’t the only one in the family to recently leave the world at a most-unfortunate time. Our uncle Flargus, too, had a terrible accident. He was in the midst of selling a vacuum cleaner to one of his clients when he accidentally turned on the most powerful setting as he was standing off in front of it. Don’t shed too many tears, brother, the report said it was very quick and clean, and that you will probably now get to visit with him finally where you are now. Please send our uncle Flargus my regards, and share the chocolate with him, he always did enjoy his chocolate.
Your weeping brother,
Kyle
Dear Kyle,
I actually never died, I was faking it the whole time. It is sad to hear about Uncle Flargus, It’s good that you were Flargy’s godfather, now you get to take care of him! I have sent Flargy on a plane to your house. He should be there in a day or so. Flargy loves to barf, so make sure to coat your walls in wax paper.
Your un-dead brother,
Mark
To Mark.
I am very disappointed in you to have deceived your closest family for the most selfish purposes. And to think all our Flargus wanted near the end of his life was to visit you in your supposed time of need. But he is gone now. He will be missed. According to his will, he entrusted to you his precious Flargy—as much as I enjoy his presence, I hope you would agree that it is best to follow uncle Flargus’ last will and testament to make up for your deceitful prior actions. He also left you his vacuum cleaner sales earnings: a $36,000 deficit per annum in interest alone. For similar reasons I hope you would agree to accept this most generous final gift from Flargus. Please be expecting little Flargy sometime soon in the mail in a rather large FedEx box. Enclosed you will also find a few rolls of wax paper.
Kyle
Dear Kyle,
The reason I lied about everything was not because I didn’t want to see Flargus. Uncle Flargus is actually alive and well because he never died. In truth, I kidnapped Flargus to Sweden and he is enjoying his time there. He plans on visiting your house in a week or two for a couple months so you two can catch up on things. I redirected the box you sent me to Sweden so they can be reunited. Make sure you run to Home Depot so you can buy a bigger toilet seat, Flargus said he’ll need one. By the way, more toilet paper and a bigger toilet might be required also, Flargus plans to attend a bean-and-cabbage festival when he arrives at your house. And if you must know, the reason I kidnapped him is classified by the Swedish Underground.
Love,
Mark
Dear Mark,
I forgot to mention in the previous letter that I actually have died so am unable to greet our uncle Flargus next week—I would really appreciate it if you would take care of things for me. I’m glad you and Flargus have been getting along together so well. It really makes me proud to be your brother. Please keep me in your thoughts, and buy that larger latrine uncle Flargus has been wishing for, he’ll greatly appreciate it.
Your late brother,
Kyle
Dear Kyle,
I’m sorry to hear that you have died. The strangest thing happened on the day of your death! Uncle Flargus wrote to me saying that he had to cancel because of something about the Swedish Underground. So now Uncle Flargus will not be visiting. I hope that your death is going well. To tell you the truth, I’m actually glad that Uncle Flargus cannot visit. I have personally sold all of your things and cashed them in to a new investment I’m working on, it’s a new cereal called Flargi-O’s. It’s good that you can’t come back to life, otherwise you’d have to live with Uncle Flargus (my house is too big to fit you). Respond soon!
Your rich and super awesome brother who is now rich and super awesome,
Mark